Growing Up

Being a general reality TV junkie and therefore an American Idol fan, I bought Carrie Underwood's most recent album, Play On, with Christmas money, and have been thoroughly enjoying it. William's favourite song is Underwood's main hit from the record, Cowboy Casanova. We've been listening to it a lot in the van, and he rocks out, as much as he can in his 5 point harness car seat, and asks me to tell him about the words. I launch into a detailed explanation of the lyrics, "He's a good time cowboy casanova leanin' up against the record machine/looks like a cool drink of water but he's candy coated misery/he's the devil in disguise, a snake with blue eyes/and he only comes out at night/he'll give you feelings that you don't want to fight/you better run for your life." I tell my 3 year old son that he doesn't ever want to be described like this, that he wants to treat people with respect and think of others before himself. William's thoughtful answer to my parenting wisdom rotates between yelling, "turn it up!" and "play it again so I can dance!"

I picked Ava up from school today while the song was playing, and as it was the first time she'd ever really heard it, I gave her the same explanation. Since Ava has been about 3, I've been regularly drilling into her head that the most important decision she will ever make in her life is her choice of a marriage partner (when William turned 3 I began the same brainwashing campaign, but since he believes he will grow up to marry me, the lesson has yet to really sink in). Who you choose to marry and have children with creates your daily quality of life, for better or worse. It can be hell or bliss or somewhere in between, but the only thing you control is your choice of who that person is, and it's by far the biggest decision you'll ever make. Given Ava's young age, so far I've focused on 2 things - he must be kind, and as her parents we get a say in the man she falls in love with, and she must listen to us. I make her repeat this back to me, which she does dutifully as though I've just asked her to clean up her room or eat her vegetables. I figure it can't hurt to get this advice as deep into her soul as possible. I want it to lodge there, and subtly inform her dating decisions.

We listened to the song while driving to Sparks, parent-teacher interviews, and home. After bath, watching American Idol auditions while eating with 3 spoons from a pint of Ben & Jerry's most fabulous cookie dough ice cream, stories, prayers, songs and a goodnight kiss for each child, I sat down to write and relax. In a bit I heard sniffling from Ava's room and went to investigate. When I asked her what was wrong, she burst into tears and confessed to being terrified of the bad, scary man in the cowboy song, and she didn't ever want to hear it again. I tried to explain that he wasn't scary in the way she was visualizing, with a menacing sneer and his fists rolling around by his chin, but rather a slick, good looking movie star type in a tuxedo, selfish and deeply in love with himself. I told Ava that the song used really graphic, strong language to emphasize an important point - it's easy to fall in love with men like that, who will not be kind to you, and they offer a lifetime of regret. The smartest thing you can do when you meet one is to instantly walk away.

At some point during my passionate discourse I realized that my sweet daughter is 6 years old, in that magical time between the naivete of Grade 1 and the more blunt realities of real childhood. I must work harder to be attuned to her sensitivities and needs. She is growing up, developing the ability to think meaningfully about lyrics, books, coversations and movies. She couldn't possibly understand the intricacies of relationships described in the song Cowboy Casanova. Based on the lyrics, which I wrongly assumed she wasn't really listening to, her mind constructed a frightening image of a horrible man who will hurt you. Not a red-letter parenting moment, to be sure, but we did talk for a long time about what she could replace that scary mental picture with (my favourite of her suggestions involved her and Padme Amidala from Star Wars palling around with each other) and I think she went to sleep with a clear conscience, glad she had shared her fears with me. I pray she continues to talk to me and that I will have the skills to guide her through much tougher situations than the one we faced together last night.