Golfing

I'm really not a fan of golfing. I'm not sure why it constantly rubs me the wrong way, except that it does. Possibly it's my cheap nature, flaring up because I consider the green fees and the cost of the cart rental, and even the beer and appies in the clubhouse after the game, to be ridiculously expensive. Or it could be the child care aspect, where I always suspect that any time I take away from the kids will be less than what Jason gets when he goes golfing, because it always seems to turn into an all-day endeavour.

In my rational mind, I recognize that Jason works hard to support us financially, and he deserves some leisure time for himself. The problem is that I am rarely in my rational mind when it comes to these things. Usually I become resentful, and angry, and demanding, none of which makes me look or feel very good about myself as a wife.

I'm working on letting go of my rage against golfing. I'm willing to go golfing with him in the future, when we might have more money and time, but for now it's part of his job, and the allure of the game is something I simply don't possess. My competitive nature creeps into the process, and I know I don't want to begin playing with him when he will be so much better than I am. He'll say all of the right things, and encourage me, and I will smolder away in silence, proverbial steam pouring from my ears.

I keep hoping that someday these darker parts of my personality will vaporize, and I'll become the nice person I keep hoping is buried deep inside. I watch other wives with their husbands, kissing them and wishing them a great golf game, and I wonder if they are faking their enthusiasm, or if they are just much better and kinder people.

I think all I can do is keep trying to be rational and understanding, and apologize for the times I fail and slip into my nasty and resentful attitude, the one that comes so easily to me. I have to recognize why I get so moody when he goes off to enjoy himself for a few hours, and trust that he will come back refreshed and renewed. When we are on vacation as a family, I guard that time jealously, partly as a break from my full-time child minding duties, but also simply to be together without his Blackberry ringing every two seconds or his laptop screen glowing and demanding his attention.

Maybe when he goes golfing I worry that he is choosing that sport over me and the kids, but I have to recognize that he enjoys golfing in the same way that I enjoy shopping or going to a movie with a friend: simply to get away from the kids and regular life and just be myself for a few hours. Recognizing that this leisure time is important for him and is not a rejection of me, might be the first step to supporting him instead of fighting him on this topic.