Decisions

Making decisions is hard, particularly when they impact others. As a mom I want to do the best I can for my kids, as I hold their lives in my sometimes trembling hands, but when the situation is good for them but hard for me, what do I do then? Many things in life are hard. I can accept this and understand it, but it's not always easy to determine when the exact moment for change has arrived. If you make a move too early, because you feel uncomfortable, is that responding to fear? If you wait too long, and put up with stress when you shouldn't, isn't that equally detrimental?

I wish The Right Thing was always clear cut and obvious, with a clock attached so we know when to act. It's never that easy. Many times we have to flounder around in the darkness, hoping to find our way when we are hopelessly lost. I hate to be lost. I prefer to be on solid ground, well lit and safe, with markers to show me the way.

I'm struggling with the idea of injustice: how do we know when to fight for what we think is right and when should we bow out, believing we aren't going to win anyway? Is it worth fighting what feels like a losing cause? I'm glad Abe Lincoln didn't back down. Ditto for Martin Luther King and many other social activists through the ages. They fought for what they believed to be right. History has applauded their efforts, but at the time they went against the grain with their very lives on the line. All change exacts a high cost on the person pushing for it. Big risks are required.

Why should it be any different for the rest of us? We must stand up and not be afraid. I do not like to be treated badly. It brings up my fighting instinct. The problem is energy - there is only so much to go around, and the energy I use for this problem leaves me less for my family and myself. I do believe that the effort must be made. If not for me, then for my kids, and for their kids after them.

Conquering our own fear is a daily challenge. We all want to be liked, and accepted, and are afraid to rock the boat in case we are ostracized and mocked. Sometimes the issues are bigger than we are. I wish I felt more prepared, stronger, and not so alone, but then again, this is how we learn. Through pain, and fear, and difficulties. In the easy times we don't know how strong we are, but when we are kicked and hurt, the wound shows us where our bravery and honour has been hiding.