Independence

I realized yesterday how much I've come to rely on Jason for certain things like driving in stressful weather situations. I am often content to sit in the passenger seat and not be responsible for our safety on bad roads. He flew to Vancouver on Monday morning for a 2 day business trip, and I had to pick up the kids in Canmore where they stayed with their Nana and Auntie while we enjoyed 24 hours of kid-free life to host our annual Oscar party. I kept telling myself it was more than worth the drive back to have that time to myself, and it was, but after weeks of warm weather, to have snow blowing in was a shock to the system.

I had a leisurely, quiet morning at home, puttering around and working on the latest revision of my screenplay. It felt like being in Maui (I'm an easy girl to please!). It was sunny and clear here, but I kept checking the weather forecast for the mountains and it looked like snow, snow, and more snow. I grew up outside of Edmonton and learned to drive in adverse weather conditions, but as an adult I've lived most of my life in the Vancouver area and didn't get the opportunity to practice driving in blizzards there. I don't mind snowstorms, as long as I never have to leave the safety of my small town, but sometimes the weather doesn't cooperate with me.

Driving west yesterday, watching the clouds accumulate and the grey, heavy feeling descend, I thought about marriage, and how easy it can be to absorb into your partner. Sometimes it's a good thing, as marriage is about learning to rely on someone other than yourself, but at other times it becomes a crutch we use to avoid doing things we don't want to do. Fear and ignorance aren't valid reasons not to try new things. We can stand up to our fear, bravely face it, and we can learn new ideas to combat our worries that we don't know how to do something. Jason has an built-in compass that I missed out on when birth qualities were being distributed. He can find his way anywhere. I constantly worry about being lost, which is why my talking GPS birthday present last year was one of the best gifts I've ever received, as I feel more confident driving to new places now.

Marriage is a delicate balance. I enjoy being taken care of by my very capable husband, but I must cultivate my own usefulness or I am in danger of losing it, or at least losing confidence in myself. I grew up with a mom who tried everything so her kids wouldn't miss out on experiences. I'm sure she was afraid many times to pull a trailer, drive to BC on her own to camp, and take care of many other mechanical issues that didn't come naturally to her, but she provided the example that anyone can do it.

I'm content to let Jason take care of most of these things, but it's good for my kids to see that I'm not afraid to do what needs to be done. I can drive through blowing snow to find them, I can go bravely to new places and not fear becoming lost, I can come out from Jason's reliable shadow and find my own way. Independence is important. There is a lot we can learn about ourselves when we face our insecurities and believe that we can do anything we set our minds to.