I think I've isolated why I feel so ragged around the edges right now. It's probably an affliction common to most teachers and moms of school aged children: it's End of June-itis. Last night I tore the house apart looking for Ava's school agenda, and I couldn't find it anywhere. All year, I've looked at her agenda, initialed it, and put it back in her backpack. Now, at the last gate, I took it out on Friday, wrote in it, and did not return it to her backpack for some reason that mystifies all logic. It's as if it vanished into thin air.
Mistakes like these don't sit very well with me. I believe in order and routine. Any disruption to my well-oiled system causes something akin to panic inside of me. I tell myself, "It's the end of the year. There is one week left of school. I'm sure it's not a big deal if her agenda has disappeared." But to me it is a big deal.
Perhaps I'm just really ready for summer and a change of pace. Everything is winding down, one activity after the next, but I still don't feel myself relaxing. I feel coiled up, tense, and ready to strike at anyone. It's not a good feeling. I need to learn to offer myself permission to unwind and relax. I know how to go-go-go and I can relax when I'm on vacation, but the in-between times of transition and change are hard for me.
The weather is finally beautiful, and this is my first week in ten months where I won't be going out of the house to work. I've got writing time booked for Tuesday and Thursday morning which I'm looking forward to with every fiber in my being. I think adjusting to change is something that happens gradually, no matter how old we are, and the transition is felt in our emotions and our physical bodies. I can control my mind a lot easier than my feelings, and tension comes to our bodies in ways that slow us down and tire us out.
Embracing what comes our way is all that we can do. Whether it's wonderful or terrible, life moves in around us with its ebb and flow, and we have no choice but to adjust. When I resist what is happening around me, I become stressed and frustrated. Resistance doesn't change any outcome, so I'm learning to try to relax and enjoy the ride along the current, without fighting the stream. It's ridiculously difficult. I want to control what happens to me and how I feel about what is going on around me. I can't always do it, and I'm trying to surrender to the experience.
There is one week left of school for Ava. Grade One is now behind her, and we look to the next year and all that it will bring. Do all mothers feel a sense of melancholy at another year gone for their children? I would guess the answer is yes, but if anyone wants to share, I'd love to hear from you. I'm looking forward to summer on one hand, but on the other side I'd like to keep my girl and boy at the ages they are now, and that's not an option open to me. I don't want to fight the tide, as they are going to grow up, but sometimes it isn't easy to watch it happening.