Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Jagged Edges

Last night I stood out on my deck for a long while, watching the colours change as the sun set, and I tried to analyze what has been bothering me. My emotions are right at the surface, and I know it has to do with Ava finishing Grade One and moving on, and it relates to my transition out of my job and into my writing, but there was something else persistently nagging at my spirit and it was a relief to pinpoint it.

I look at people sometimes and indulge in a fantasy that their life is simple and easy; that others are content with their lives and don't want more out of them. I have always fought with myself over my dreams. I don't wish to be without them (most of the time), because they propel me forward and offer a deeper sense of purpose and meaning to my life. But every so often, they poke me with their rough edges, and remind me of how far I have to go and how much time I've already wasted.

This is one of those times. This fear sneaks up, gently at first, whispering in my ear, and then when I am lulled into a sort of stupor, my dreams hit me over the head with a 2x4 of failure and abject panic. That sordid underbelly to the bubbly joy of dreams is the side of this process I could do without. It was easier to pretend in obscurity for many years that my life was good even without making movies and seeing my dream of being a professional writer turn into reality. Now I'm putting it out there, this most fragile, vulnerable part of myself, and riding the coattails of optimism is fear that I'm not good enough, and that I will try and fail.

Waiting is very hard for me. I feel as though I've wasted enough time not writing, and now that I'm writing all of the time, I want the selling stage to be easier than it is. It's painful. It messes with my confidence and my mind. It allows space for all of the dark doubts to grow and shadow out the good stuff in my mind and heart. I must focus on the good things; on what I have accomplished versus what has yet to be done. Fear is the enemy of hope, and all enemies must be faced and fought. Bringing anxiety into the light is the best way to send it running, for terror likes the dark.

It's a beautiful day, and William and I are going to have a picnic lunch with friends. Ava is heading to school for her fourth last day until September. Tonight I have my final stamping group, and I'm ready to move on from this monthly commitment.

I know that Rome wasn't built in a day, and dreams take years to sprout and grow. I can see progress along the road I want to travel down. I will force patience onto myself and learn from this period of waiting. If I give myself this mantra, perhaps I will shake the black mood that has plagued me this week and find some of my old joy and faith. I will, I will, I will...those are my words for today, and hopefully they will round off a few of my jaggedly painful edges.


  1. I very much relate to you in this, Julianne, so thank you for your reflections on this... By the way, I love the way you write, and you clearly have much talent. I've only just begun to blog and am thoroughly enjoying it. It's nice to read and learn from a more seasoned blogger! :-)

  2. I know that you are so anxiously awaiting a response for your screenplay and I know that waiting for anything so important is hard, but try to focus on the things that you are having success with right now- magazine articles, your online magazine articles, your men"s webpage, your short stories, your blog, your creative writing class, your writer's group....
    We all want the "lottery", so to speak but sometimes we have to remember that it will take many tickets and small wins to eventually win the big one.
    I have faith in you and your writing. You are a fantastic writer and your topics are ones that many can relate to. I truly believe that you will have success writing and you will be in a place that you are so pleased with where you've ended up.
    It might not be today or tomorrow or even this screenplay, but you've got many days ahead of you and I'm certain that you have many more ideas floating around in that brilliant head of yours. One of those ideas is your winning ticket!

  3. Thank you so much, Rachael, and I'm so glad you have started blogging! I love reading your stuff as well. You have a very unique voice. Keep at it!

    Jan, you are such a wonderful friend. Thank you for your encouragement and support. It means so very much to me.

    It's not so much "winning the lottery" that I'm looking for, but more a steady progression of events. When nothing is moving or happening, and no one is nibbling at the queries I have out in the world (even outright rejections let me know where I stand), I go stir crazy.

    I'm only now realizing this about myself, but this revelation will help me in the lean times to understand that it's all part of the process, and if I accept it, everything will be a little easier to bear.

    You are right about focusing on the successes, and so far, my mantra of "I will, I will, I will" is really helping for this day.

    Thank you both for your encouragement. I really needed it today, and you have buoyed my hope and spirit significantly.