I love church, but yesterday I had an off day. Apparently so did William, or perhaps he caused my difficulties - it's the classic chicken and egg scenario. We were on greeting duty which makes for a disrupted morning, my mom came which I was looking forward to, and for whatever vague reason, William refused to go to his Sunday School class, crying and clinging to my leg as though he was a baby and not 4 years old, and it combined to put me in a very bad mood.
Since I began this blog, I've noticed my attitude softening toward William. This has been a very good thing. I tend to polarize myself from him because I don't always understand where he is coming from and I shy away from his emotional outbursts. Writing about my life in this daily forum has helped me look at my son differently, and find connections to him that I can understand and work with.
He craves routine. This is a similiarity I can relate to, but I'm always affected by the rawness of the characteristic in a child. I have had years to refine my slavish adherance to routine, and to experiment with breaking it once in a while and knowing that I can survive change. William has only had 2 solid years to really wrestle with the idea that some change is okay.
I mentioned yesterday morning how much I was looking forward to hearing our fabulous pastor speak because he had been on vacation over Easter, and William heard me and casually added, "I hate church." I don't know where this attitude comes from.
I asked a friend at church what to do about it, and she suggested that William doesn't hate church as much as he hates any experience that he's unsure about. He worries during the worship portion of the service about having to go to his Sunday School class. Meanwhile I look forward to that because it's 30 minutes of adult time when I can interact with my pastor's ideas and thoughts.
I teach William's class 2 weeks out of every 6 and I think it's counterproductive to him enjoying his class because he wants me to teach it all the time. It's hard for his personality type to understand that he can't get everything he wants at every moment he wants it, and sadly, I know all too well what that feels like, I've just learned to work around it and he has yet to gain the skills to do that.
He flipped out and cried in his class, and then I ended up distracted and missing half of what my pastor had to say because of William. At the end, when my mom was raving on about how good it was, I was disappointed that my son can't just conform and do what he's told to do without fighting it.
It constantly feels like two steps forward and one back when it comes to parenting him, but in many ways my mom may have felt like this while raising me, and I love the person I've grown into. Maybe I just need a little more compassion along the way, and the eyes to see what his adult characteristics will become if the raw emotions are encouraged into a positive direction.
Would he sit in the service if you brought coloring or something? Maybe set up a little "work station" for him in the back where he knows you are in the same room. Let him know he has the choice to either go to sunday school or sit quietly? Just an idea. My experience with kids and people in general who have his personality is that pushing them only makes them more anxious and shy.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the advice, Cortney, it really is a good idea. Sometimes we need someone else to speak into our lives when we struggle to find reasonable options because we are emotionally clouded by the issue.
ReplyDeleteI seriously struggle with compassion for my small son's fears and anxieties and it helps to hear someone else's ideas (I handle it by telling him "just push through, it's fine!" and that doesn't often work for his personality. Thank you!