No Longer My Own

Yesterday was a tough day. I had two issues to handle that took up more emotional energy than I felt I had, and then the relief when the discussions were over was so huge that I was instantly exhausted, but I still had to work and get the kids fed and to bed. I dropped my Communications Theory course online yesterday but missed the deadline by a day, so the fees are still showing as due. I left numerous messages for my advisor and didn't hear back, and today is the fee deadline, so I'm still anxious over that. I'll feel better when I've talked to someone at the University to confirm if I'm out with or without a penalty.

Stress makes everything seem much tougher. It's like walking through the day and night in a pair of lead boots with a backpack full of rocks. I've never been genuinely depressed, but I imagine the feeling to be similar. Everything feels like a slog, and even the smallest output of energy drains you completely. Today is a Professional Development Day so Ava has no school. I was so looking forward to a day without rushing out the door and having time to relax, but I find I'm still feeling tense, like the source of the anxiety is gone but there is still a residue of stress that has to evaporate over time. I want to feel better, to enjoy this day since I already made the hard decision to cut something out, but the idea that I'll still have to pay my tuition when I've dropped the course is keeping me keyed up. I'm normally very conscious of deadlines, but I didn't even consider getting out of my course until the day after the deadline, so now I beat myself up about that.

Yesterday I reminded myself over and over to just breathe. It's easier said than done when you have conflicts with people, and with yourself. But life is short and it's critical to keep ourselves as healthy as possible, which includes minimizing stress. My life is no longer my own, to soar or to fall as I wish, it now belongs to my kids and my husband as well. I cannot be reckless with my health, safety and sanity. When I can control my circumstances to maximize my ability to be healthy and balanced for my family, I must do so, and stand firmly behind my choices.

This too shall pass. Part of being an adult is accepting what comes, whether good or bad, and being brave enough to face it and make the necessary decisions as they come. Your feelings change, but it's important not to lose control of your life. When I make decisions to alter the shape of my life, my feelings eventually follow. I must trust the process, face my fear, and move forward, step by step. In doing this, I model something for my children to follow into their adulthood.