Almost fifteen years after we fell in love the first time, Jason and I appear to be falling in love all over again. It's an interesting phenomenon, particularly since it has come out of nowhere with the force of a mack truck. It really does remind me of how I felt the first time around, where I thought of him every moment we were apart, and also the times we were together.
Writing my novel about marriage has brought me back to the beginning of my own relationship with Jason, where the butterflies flit around in your tummy, causing you to feel deliciously off-kilter, as though you are falling. The world seems brighter and happier, with your vision sharper than it has ever been before, which is part of the universal experience of falling head over heels in love with someone.
This time around it's even better, because of the history between us, and our children, and every experience we've had, both good and not-so-good, which has brought us to this day where we are still together, and would choose each other all over again.
I don't know why I'm feeling so satisfied and happy with my decision made so long ago to spend my life with this man. Possibly because so many other things are difficult and painful right now, but my primary relationship is rock solid, and that gives me a sense of safety that I can't find anywhere else.
Whenever we kiss or hug in front of the kids, Ava shouts out, "They're in love again!" We always laugh and carry on, but this time, it really does feel true. Sometimes when you are together with someone for a long time, you cease to notice them in your day to day existence, and it's important to shake your head and clear your vision so you understand in a fresh way how much that person matters to you.
I shook my head recently, and saw Jason as he is, a man who loves me and his kids and would do anything for us. He is good to his core, and somehow I had forgotten how loving he is when we had to work through some issues between us in the fall. But now we are in a different place, and we've come through some hard and hurtful things with honesty and care and grace, and we can love each other in a deeper, truer way.
As I change and grow, I am more and more open to being loved on a different level. Loving wasn't my problem, as I can love with reckless abandon, but being loved was my hang-up. I had walls up that are slowly coming down, and I can feel and see the difference in my primary relationships. I can appreciate the beauty nestled among the rubble, and feeling like a young girl falling in love for the first time is an unexpected bonus, and I'm going to enjoy it while it's here to be embraced.