I feel aware of a peaceful feeling, the kind of emotion which can precede a flurry of activity. I'm calmly writing my memoir and novel, both of which are flowing well and progressing at a reasonable rate toward eventual completion. I'm re-working my screenplay, for the seventh time, which might have been a daunting prospect a number of years ago, but now seems entirely reasonable to me. I'm trying to enter it in a few contests with deadlines in the middle of March, and I know I'll get it in a better condition by the time the deadline arrives.
I recently bought my own name as my eventual URL for my author website (www.julianneharvey.com - no point in going there yet since it's an empty space, but eventually it will be a site with content on it) and I'm almost ready to send my blog book to print. I have my author photos done, both my headshot and a good family photo to include on the dedication page, and my photographer friend is hoping to finalize the cover illustration photo we've discussed next week. My book of blog posts from 2010 will be a dream come true when it arrives and I'm able to actually hold it in my hand, and feel its weight, and read through its pages.
This dream to write is very slowly turning into a reality. Day by day, step by step, I can see it taking shape, in ways I've dreamed of and many directions I couldn't begin to conceive of when I dared to let my mind drift ahead down this road. I have stopped hurrying, and worrying, and trying to force things which were not ready to occur yet. I have settled in for the long haul, and developed a long range plan, and I am moving forward in the direction I want to go, and that is all that matters.
I think there was only one way for me to learn to settle down within myself, and that was the hard way. This past year has been one of the most difficult I have ever lived through, with conflict on all sides, everywhere I looked, and many personal issues to work through, one by one, and I'm still in the middle of this process. But I can glimpse where all of this soul-searching and change is leading me, and I like how authentic and true it feels, versus the many false ways I had previously constructed and lived within.
It's painful to go from fake to real. From false to true. I'm not remotely where I want to be, but I know for sure that I won't go back to the old ways which helped me make it through but stopped me from flourishing and growing in a recognizable way. It really does feel like that moment in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy opens the door and everything changes from black and white to full colour. That's what this year has been.
I didn't understand that I was living in shades of grey until I experienced the fullness of colour. I kept my feelings buried deep under the surface before, and now I've brought them to the light, little by little, and found that by exposing them, I could free myself from the power they held over me. I wanted to be in control of my life and my feelings, instead of being at their mercy. I wanted to own myself, and develop my confidence and profession, and feel that I was worthy of what I was pursuing.
It's been a long and windy road, but worth every tear and fear and insecurity. I have slowed down within myself, and that has changed the pace of how I live my life, and helped me learn to enjoy each day instead of tallying up what I haven't accomplished and going to bed disappointed with myself. Now I look at what I am doing, bit by bit, and valuing my relationships and leisure higher on the priority scale. If it's all blinding ambition, you miss the rest of the joys that life can provide.
I have time. I am alive, and healthy, and have a future in which to make my dreams a reality. Step by step is the only real way to build something. I've shed the mistaken idea that I should find overnight success without working for it. I wouldn't want that now, even if it was offered to me. I want to build it, see it grow, and keep discovering new layers of colour in my daily landscape.