So often I complicate everything in my life, and simply forget to just be. To live in the moment I'm in, and have that be sufficient, instead of peering around the next bend and trying to think ten steps ahead of myself. When I read stories to William last night and tucked his blankets around his armpits while singing to him, I took a quick moment to really look at him and feel the love I have for him, and in that simple realization I found peace.
Then I went to Ava's room, since Jason was at a council meeting and unable to read with her as he usually would. I listened to her read her book from school with so much expression and passion, and I almost couldn't read when it was my turn because of the lump in my throat. Life can be so simple, and also so complicated, but last night I understood again how much I prefer things to be simple.
There are the things that really matter, and then there is everything else, and I hate losing perspective on the important stuff. My kids are turning out well, and the time and energy I put into them reflects this. It adds up, and it's important, and I wish I understood this on a molecular level instead of having to remind myself of it on such a regular basis.
There is time to do many of the things I want to do in life, but there is only this time with them. In six weeks Ava will turn eight, and in two months, William will be five. The children they are now, at these ages and stages, will be gone forever, and I want to be able to visit them in my memory. I took them to see Despicable Me at our community hall on Monday when there was no school, and we munched popcorn and ate chocolate and giggled together at the movie, and I had the sense that one day I would look back on that experience and feel warm inside, and I think they will too.
These things matter, and I can't miss out on what is right in front of me, because it won't be here forever. These are some really good times I'm living in, with my husband and my kids and my family and friends. There is so much joy and possibility, but I must embrace it and gently tug the reins on my ambition when it begins to take over.
The simple joys should not be underestimated. There is a balance which must be struck, and it helps to recognize how fleeting these years are with my precious children, and to stand back once in awhile and marvel at what is right in front of my eyes. I did that last night, and it changed me, somewhere deep inside where I hide away from others and even myself, and I'm grateful for the reminder to stop and notice where we are all at, and realize that personal sacrifice has its own sweet rewards.