Hard

I'm in a hard place right now. I feel like I've been here for too long, and I'm now eager to arrive at the summit of this particular mountain I've been climbing, and look back to see how far I've come. I know for a fact that I am growing and changing, but sometimes this growth reveals the underbelly of our own dysfunction which we would prefer not to examine. I am looking at what has changed, and trying to adjust to that, and seeing all of the work that still has to be done.

We can only work in baby steps. We make mistakes, and many of them, and hopefully we can graciously accept fault where it lies with us, and make amends, and rifts can be repaired. Sometimes it takes more time than I'm comfortable with. And the unfortunate truth remains that sometimes the relationship divides cannot be crossed, or the cost is too high to pay, and hard decisions have to be made.

I don't have the answers to these questions. I don't think anyone does. When you find an answer, the question is likely to change and you are suddenly right back where you started. As I get older, I am finding it marginally easier to live inside shades of grey but the word marginally covers a lot of ground. Some days it just plain sucks. Some days I don't want to change at all, and I want to go back to being certain, and drawing everything in thick black permanent lines, but I know I was only fooling myself when I thought I saw everything clearly back then.

Life is filled with uncertainties. We all carry our fears deep inside of us, and sometimes those fears crop up and push all rational thought out of the way, and direct our decisions when they shouldn't be allowed that much free rein. We are all damaged, and overcompensate in some areas to hide the fact that we are actually weak and vulnerable under our carefully constructed defenses.

I feel like a turtle without a shell. I don't want to go back to my hardened self, where I fought fire with fire instead of looking for a more peaceful solution, but I also don't want to be consistently hurt. I wish it was clearer when I should stand up for myself and when I should stay silent. There is no manual that I know of for these interpersonal struggles, and you have to react in the middle of the situation, and I know for a fact that my reaction is not always right.

I do know that I have to find my own way, and make my own mistakes, and only take my fair share of the blame. Those concepts are clear in my mind, but the situations around those ideas are so fluid that it frightens me. We all have to go into the world and do our very best to be kind and respectful, while still holding and maintaining boundaries which we feel are reasonable and serve a valuable purpose.

I would like things to get easier now. I would like this half-year of conflict and personal turbulence to draw to a close, and open up a new year like a shiny present filled with promise and hope for second chances. I would like to be more certain in myself; to come out of this pain like a butterfly emerges from the chrysalis, a caterpillar no more, but finally able to soar above the ground which once held her captive.