Thursday, December 23, 2010

This Gift

This is probably the best week of my life to date. That may sound like I'm overstating it a little, since Jason and I went to Maui three years ago on a lavish, all-expenses paid work reward for him, and I've had some pretty memorable trips and experiences so far in life, but this week at home is different because I have changed. I have learned how to relax in the most genuine and true way, and as I couldn't relax properly before, those other experiences didn't go as deep or mean as much to me as this week has.

I am like a person re-born. The tree is budding, bursting with new life and energy, and it's all because I learned to stop racing around and do absolutely nothing. I've been through the panic that I'm not producing, or succeeding, or making money. I've walked through the fear that I will always be this lazy and that my creative impulses will go underground during this forced break.

I discovered yesterday that those worries are ludicrous. I needed to experience this in order to settle down within myself; to discover the value that has always been there but was dormant and unappreciated, pushed to the basement of my soul. Something broken in me has been repaired over these hard few months of chaos and strife. I can still touch the stitches, and feel the discomfort, so I know how fresh and recent these changes are, but I recognize now that I have been given the biggest gift of my life so far, and I'm beyond grateful.

I have seen myself in a mirror, and realized that I didn't like the frantic nature of the person I was becoming. I was touching my dreams to write and publish, but the satisfaction and joy was missing, and I had to search it out and find it. I didn't know that I would have to walk through intense loneliness, anxiety and personal conflicts in order to get there, but I wouldn't change a thing about the path I walked because it led me here, to this week before Christmas, when I opened this gift of stillness and peace.

All of a sudden I have ideas coming so fast into my mind that I can barely record them on paper. The quiet period has produced this fertile time, and I am enjoying it so much more. Life is too short to stress about every little thing, and try to make your dreams come true while not enjoying what you are doing. I've slid the missing puzzle piece into place where I am assigning a value to having fun, and recognizing that I am entitled to some leisure, and I know that this renewed sense of value within myself is the best gift I have ever received.

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