More Like Myself

I feel more like myself these days. I'm aware of a quiet gratitude that the worst of this stressful season might be behind me, and I'm looking forward to understanding the growth that has occurred in this phase. Conflict is exhausting when you are in the middle of it, but on the other side, it's a bit like a spring rain, where everything smells fresh and new, and you feel hopeful in a way you couldn't possibly imagine in the middle of the storm.

The nature of life is that you finish one thing and move on to another. And there is always more conflict coming around the next bend, but with a little luck you can manage it better with what you learned the last time around. I don't want to be afraid any longer; of people, of problems, of pain. I want to dig deep and find a little bravery to shield me from what hurts in this world.

I'm aware of a growing feeling of hope and confidence, particularly when I wake up each morning, and I'm taking the time to revel in that sensation. It reminds me of the very beginning of this revised writing dream, two years ago this November, when I began to write three pages of my screenplay each afternoon when William was sleeping. Every morning I'd wake up and get out of bed with a renewed sense of purpose and vision. There is nothing quite like the feeling that you are doing exactly what you were created to do. It transcends joy and takes you just a little bit higher than you've ever been before.

The possibility of finding that feeling again sends shivers of anticipation up my spine. I am slowly learning that I can't rush the stages I find myself in. Some weeks and months are wonderful, and some are not, and I'm trying to learn what I can from whatever is happening to me. Life is a dance where I contribute some of the steps, and sometimes I follow someone else's lead, and back and forth it goes. I am not always in control, and I'm trying to accept that truth.

Being grateful for what I do have is the key. I'm healthy and so are my kids and my husband, and I want to be more aware of that huge blessing. We have food to eat and a warm house to be together in, and it's important for us to give to those who don't have these things, because we don't deserve them any more than someone else does. In the hard times, these gifts have still been given to us, and must still be given away without fear. It's much easier to give when I feel abundant, and hard to share when I feel pinched, but it makes me a better person to give of myself regardless of how I feel. I've learned that lesson in a vivid way over the last few months.

For today, I will enjoy this peaceful feeling. I'll keep working against being too busy, so I can settle into myself and make self-care a bigger priority. The hard times balance the good times, and make everything a little bit sweeter. Life is a cycle, and will come and go, but I'm tired of fighting the current. I want to relax, unclench my hands, and surrender to the ebb and flow.