I have made a decision. I am going to stop obsessing over being thinner and looking better, and instead put my energy into loving myself and how I look. I want to be comfortable inside of my own skin, and feel beautiful and healthy no matter what size of pants I wear. This is not an easy task in the society we live in, but I believe it to be worthwhile, and I hope to get to that place of acceptance eventually.
I want to avoid the trap of working out, eating well, losing weight and still feeling bad about myself. I've come to realize that how we look doesn't always correspond to how we feel. The goal for me is to accept myself at whatever weight I'm at. I don't want to work hard to lose weight and still be jealous of how someone else looks, and wish regularly that I was skinnier or more toned or had smaller shoulders and feet.
Comparing ourselves to others is a dead-end road. I know this in my mind, but my emotions are often slow to catch up here. I will hear that someone is losing weight and I will feel spurred to action in a kind of strange competition that the other woman isn't remotely aware of. I know this to be foolish but yet I do it anyway.
I want to stand firm on my own square of ground in this world. I don't want to refuse all desserts and I'm certainly not giving up my popcorn and root beer ritual. I know that the results of exercising regularly are good for me, and will help me to stay healthy and energetic as I get older. I don't want to become obsessive about exercise and diet, but I also hate being on edge about it, and personally affronted when other people make positive changes to their bodies.
Genuine acceptance is hard to come by. It's one step forward and a couple steps back, like most new things we try, and if I want it to go deep and take root in my soul I must be patient. It's not a linear process. It zigs and zags and forces us to look at beliefs we hold which are faulty and often uncomfortable. I know it's unhealthy to compare myself to others and set up bogus competitions where I either lord it over someone if I win or feel miserable if I lose.
Life is too short to worry about these things. I want to make the best choices I can when it comes to the food I put in my mouth, but also extend grace to myself for the occasional chocolate bar and Chunks Ahoy cookie. I want to continue exercising, even when I have to force myself to do it, and be reminded that it serves as an investment in my overall health. I am determined to come to terms with my body, and own it as mine, and love it the way I am trying to embrace and accept my individual personality.