It turns out that I have more business sense than I gave myself credit for. I was looking to hire someone to design my author website, but while interviewing people for the job, I realized that I had a specific vision for my site, and it was harder to explain it to someone than to look into doing it myself. So I got some advice from my friend's son, who is a computer genius, and I plunged in.
At first it was exhilarating. I'm actually doing it! I'm building a website, and transferring my domain name, and doctoring pictures to fit the look I'm going for. And then came the crash. Not the literal website crash, but the inevitable roadblock of not knowing what the hell I'm doing in a certain area, and the frustration which accompanies the interruption of our smooth sailing.
Then comes the doubt. Can I really do this myself? Is my time better spent writing and paying someone to do this job for me? I try to summon up the joy I felt at the beginning, when it seemed easier than I thought it would be, and inch my way back to that place. Learning anything new is challenging. You flail around, like a fish out of water, certain that you are never going to get it, and suddenly the light dawns, and the problem is solved.
I wish I wasn't so obsessive about these tasks. I'm trying to improve in this area, but when I start something, I really want to finish it, and tend to stay too long in a frustrated place. It was a beautiful day and I should have taken the kids out for a bike ride or to the park to play, and hopefully I will remember this the next time I sit down at the computer and hit the frustration wall.
Everything doesn't have to be done at once. There is time. My children are valuable and important too, and summer is zipping by and I don't want to miss the opportunities I have to enjoy it with my kids and my friends. My blinding ambition must be tempered with a sense of how good life can be, when we slow down to appreciate what is right in front of us. Relationships are what matter in the long term, and keeping the stress level low, and maintaining reasonable expectations.
My point is that we can do more than we think we can, on any given day and on virtually every subject. If we don't know how to do something, its never been easier to learn. With a few clicks of our mouse, we can educate ourselves on whatever seems out of our reach. Our friends, both real and virtual, can help us when we get stuck. Keeping a sense of humour is important, and so are regular breaks from our chair.
Perspective is a good thing. So is permission to fail, to rage, and to eventually triumph over what had stumped us. I'm proud of my slowly developing business sense. It needs to be nurtured, and loved, and coaxed out into the light, but with each small success I can feel it taking hold in my soul. It's becoming part of me, slowly but surely, and I'm happy to inch over and make a place for it to exist within me.