Friday, May 20, 2011

A Rainy Day

I love a rainy day. Here in Southern Alberta, we have mostly sunny days, and I certainly don't miss the endless grey skies and falling rain of the greater Vancouver area, but once in awhile, when it rains here, I find it refreshing to my soul. Everything smells good, and new, and it's as though the dust that has been collecting in my heart gets washed away.

Rain makes me reflect. Sometimes it becomes a sad thing, and other times I feel grateful for what I've been blessed with, but I always slow down a bit and think instead of keeping busy like a rat on a wheel. Yesterday, we had this kind of a day, and I felt overwhelmed with all kinds of emotion. Like the rain, it was better when the storm had passed, and I could see clearly more of the beauty that is all around me.

Most of what we experience is related to our perspective. How we feel about something informs the way it happens to us. Becoming more honest about my emotions has opened up an entirely new corner of the world to me. I realize that I was closed off for so long, mostly to myself but also to others, because I was trying to make my feelings fit into a neat category which I could control and close the lid on. Our emotions are not neat and easy. They are messy and riveting and need us to loosen the reins so they can take us where we need to go.

Feeling deeply is like a journey into a foreign country where nothing feels safe or familiar. It's a grand adventure, if we are brave enough to step out and take the risk. I controlled my feelings for most of my life because that was what I did in childhood in order to feel secure. I didn't have a road map for any other kind of self expression. I did what felt like it would be the most acceptable.

Now that I am in my late thirties, I recognize that I can take as many risks as I want, with my emotions and my actions. I can own who I am, and what I do, in a way that I couldn't when I was younger. I can change the way I once viewed my abilities and feelings, and I can accept that a lot of this life is outside of the realm of my control. That idea doesn't terrify me anymore. I would rather leave my facade of control behind, and put on my big-girl pants to face the world and be more realistic and honest about my fears and limitations.

It felt damn good to reflect on this during the rain yesterday. I felt sad, for no apparent reason, and when I let the tears fall without working so hard to solve the puzzle, I found it solved itself when the negative energy was burned away. The tears ended, and the sadness went with it, and I felt peaceful.

I hadn't learned any huge lesson, but I also didn't try to pretend I was happy when I wasn't. I let it be what it was, and when my emotions ran their course, the work of cleansing my soul was momentarily accomplished. The soil of my heart was moist again, like the dirt outside in my yard, and there is a chance that some flowers can grow.

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