Thursday, March 17, 2011

Relentless Drive

When I was younger, I found my relentless drive to succeed like a prison. I felt trapped in it, stifled, and unable to break free of my own ambition. Now that who I am has finally caught up to what I want to do, it seems that the landscape is more balanced, and I don't have to work so hard to catch up with myself.

Some of this must be simple maturity, the sum total of years rolling past and posting higher numbers with each birthday. But there is an element of understanding who I am, why I am valuable, and what I'm meant to do with my life that has nothing to do with age. I think I could have grasped it years ago if I hadn't been so unsure of myself, and so afraid to risk. There is a time for everything, and a season for everything under the sun, and this is my time and season to uncover who I really am, and in that process I'm seeing what I'm capable of accomplishing.

I no longer want to rush the way I did as a teen and in my twenties. I was always in such a hurry, to beat everyone out and be the best. Now I want to do what I can do, but it's not a competition. There is room for everyone to play. I'm hoping I will be able to internalize this truth in time, because I believe it in my mind, but I think I've spent too long setting up competitions between myself and others to really encourage those in my life to reach their full potential.

I hope that as I get stronger within myself, I will be able to build others up without worrying that I am taking something from who I am. We aren't meant to be so fragile. I've tried to intentionally encourage others and be more positive in the last year, because I noticed how easy it was to be negative and see the worst in myself and everyone else. Being positive really is a better way to live. It's the difference between the sun and the rain; the heat and the cold. I love the benefits of being positive, but I must deal with my endless fears of losing out in a competition in order to truly celebrate the accomplishments of others.

It seems as if I'm growing into my own ambition, like a pair of shoes that were always too big, but when I tried them on again, found that they fit me. I know that my drive to succeed does not have to conflict with someone else's, even when they are trying for similar goals or we are in the same field. If I feel good enough about myself, I won't worry so much about what others are doing. Or so I hope. All I can do is be more aware of my own insecurities, and try to grow into my dreams and goals without taking away from anyone else's.

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