We All Did It

My almost 7 year old daughter came home in tears yesterday from school. We locked ourselves in my bedroom to talk about it, with my 3 year old son banging on the locked door and eventually getting a butter knife to jimmy the lock and break in. Ava told me her story about girls not wanting to play with her and being mean and all of the things that 6 and 7 year old girls can do to each other. I phoned her teacher, an eminently approachable and kind woman, to get her take on the playground situation and to be sure she was aware that these things were going on. I took Ava out to the grocery store for a little girl time (and Ben & Jerry's ice cream) and she felt much better when we got home.

That evening, I called the mom of the girl that Ava had the disagreement with. We had a good talk, and I admitted that I was only getting one side of the story, and there was probably more to it. Sure enough, the phone rang 15 minutes later and I got the other girl's story, in which my daughter didn't come off quite so saintly. Back to the locked bedroom we went to discuss how important it is to tell the whole story, not just the one that makes you look good. I felt quite foolish for my flurry of phone calls, assuming blindly that my daughter had been victimized instead of taking into account that she also bore responsibility for some of the relational problems.

I got thinking about how this is not just isolated to children. As adults we all see our own side clearly, and feel righteous about our position. Often I fail to take all of the other opinions as seriously as I view my own. We must be open to the idea that we are equally flawed; that during a disagreement we all feel that our points are valid and none of us are immune to making mistakes. All sides should be carefully considered before rushing in and making accusations. There is a fine line to walk between feeling you are right, and recognizing that the other side of the argument carries some validity as well. I told Ava to be considerate of the other kids in her class and I must do the same for the people in my life. Walk carefully, speak kindly, and think about where others are coming from before I plunge in with the certainty that I am right and the other person is wrong.

I phoned the mom back last night after the second locked-door chat, and got Ava and her daughter on the phone to apologize to each other and move past this hurdle in their friendship. I think a valuable lesson was learned for both of the girls, and for us as moms. We all felt closer and better when the incident was resolved. Eating crow is never a pleasant experience, but it was an important reminder that my beloved daughter is not always innocent in the stories I hear from her. None of us ever are. As we get older the issues become more complex, with many layered shades of grey. It's not as clear-cut as it is in the preschool years, when your child says, "He did it", or "She did it." To some degree, "We all did it". We must step forward to take responsibility when that is required of us, and be part of a resolution that benefits everyone.