Congruence

I'm taking a Communications Theory course at University of Calgary on Saturdays this semester, and while reading my textbook I came across this glorious term: congruence. It means "the match between an individual's inner feelings and outer display; authenticity, genuineness." I sat and absorbed that definition for a full minute (which for me, with a 3 year old buzzing around during the day, a minute is like five minutes for normal people), just letting it roll around in my mind.

I realized that congruence is something I've been working toward my whole life, and only in the last few years feel like I'm within reach of it. It's the ultimate test of personality. Does your inner life match your outer one, or are you pretending to be something in the world that you don't truly feel inside? As a kid I really struggled with this because I spent as much time with my best friend and her family as I did with my own, which resulted in a fractured personality. With my nuclear family I acted the way I felt I was expected to with them, and with my best friend's family I did the same, but the lives couldn't bleed into each other because they were radically different. Most of my teen years and into my mid-twenties I felt like I had one leg in each camp and the distance kept widening. It's hard to stand on firm ground when you are essentially doing the splits, not to mention quite literally painful.

In my late twenties I went through some intensive counseling and worked most of this out. I began to realize that I didn't know who I really was; I had been acting for most of my life. The process of self discovery was a difficult one, but to date the best thing I've ever done for myself. Then the hard part came in living congruently with ALL people in my life; resisting the urge to go back to pretending in order not to lose the approval of people I deeply respected and cared about. There were many bumps and detours on this road to congruency, but pushing through and coming out the other side to discover I still had all my important relationships intact, and most importantly, I had myself - fully, truly, in all its complexities, mistakes and beauty.

I find that as I get older I have very little tolerance for people who are faking it. After a little while it becomes easy to spot. A person acts a certain way in one group, and completely differently in another. I wonder if they struggle within themselves the way I did for all those years. I want to tell them that it's not worth the fight. It's so much easier to live congruently, authentically, because you don't have to work so hard to fit in. You are yourself, and you are either accepted as such or you aren't, but you don't have to remember how to act in any given situation. You just be you with all your frailties and strengths intact. No pretending to be something you're not. The freedom is extraordinary.

More than anything I want to model this for my children. I will encourage them always to pursue their own identity with intensity. If they feel angry, they should be angry. That's okay. If they are confused, admit to it and work through it. Pretending will not help them build character. Mistakes will do that. So will standing up for themselves when it's not popular. Making a decision on their own and then experiencing the consequences will develop their individuality and give them the confidence to stand behind it and protect who they are. I'm going to watch for new ways to encourage congruence in my kids, to help them learn that who they are is always enough, and that authenticity and genuineness will be the best compass to guide them through life.