A Candle in a Dark Room

Jason and I watched Conan O'Brien's final appearance on the Tonight Show last night. When we discovered we could watch it at 9:30 pm we got in the habit of catching Conan's stand-up once in awhile and I loved his offbeat, nerdy sense of humour. We caught most of the shows this week because of the controversy around NBC yanking Conan and putting Jay Leno back at the Tonight Show due to his failed prime-time project. Conan was marginally bitter about NBC all week and it made for some good comedy, but last night was unexpectedly touching as he wound down the clock on his time behind the famous Tonight Show desk.

He made a brief statement from the heart, saying that NBC had been his home for the last 20 years, and even though they were parting ways, he had nothing but gratitude for what they had done for him. He said that every comedian dreams of hosting the Tonight Show, and he got to do it for 7 months, and do it his way. He thanked his fans for their outpouring of support and said he would think of it for the rest of his life. He finished by urging people not to be cynical, particularly young people, that cynicism is his least favourite trait and he promised it will get you nowhere. My favourite line was, "Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."

I didn't expect to go to bed and have those words rolling around in my head, but that happened. Then I fell asleep and 10 minutes later, William was in our room with a bleeding nose, and after I cleaned that up I really couldn't go back to sleep, so I thought about it some more. Not only was it a classy way to end a television show, but his words had the ring of truth to them. It's all in your perspective. If you choose to dwell on the fact that you've been screwed out of something, your attitude will be cynical, miserable and you will become a victim. Conan was taking control of his own life and destiny by intentionally focusing on the positive, "Hey, people, I got to do my dream job for 7 months and it was amazing, please don't feel sorry for me!" In the jaded age we live in, this kind of optimism is like a candle in a dark room, cutting through the darkness and bravely lighting the way.

Nobody gets what they want all of the time. It's a fact of life. But when entitlement begins to creep in, we start to feel as though we deserve everything we want. Our culture feeds this by advertising lifestyles that are impossible to attain, and then rubbing our noses in it when we don't measure up (the beer doesn't actually taste that good, we aren't on a yacht with our rich and gorgeous friends, our house doesn't look like the spread in Better Homes & Gardens). I love that Conan chose to remind people that life isn't perfect. You roll with the punches. Get up, move on, don't let the outside circumstances you can't control rule your destiny. You are the captain of your own fate, the master of your soul.

Then there was the advice to work hard and be kind, and you will see amazing things happen. I believe this to be true from the top of my head to the soles of my giant feet. It's so encouraging to me when someone says something simple, but so true, and I realize that I feel exactly the same way but didn't have the right words for it. Thank you, Conan, for taking the classy high road, and for your genuine words of wisdom last night. I wish you all the best in whatever form your future takes. You will be fine, as your positive attitude will light the path ahead for you.

Congruence

I'm taking a Communications Theory course at University of Calgary on Saturdays this semester, and while reading my textbook I came across this glorious term: congruence. It means "the match between an individual's inner feelings and outer display; authenticity, genuineness." I sat and absorbed that definition for a full minute (which for me, with a 3 year old buzzing around during the day, a minute is like five minutes for normal people), just letting it roll around in my mind.

I realized that congruence is something I've been working toward my whole life, and only in the last few years feel like I'm within reach of it. It's the ultimate test of personality. Does your inner life match your outer one, or are you pretending to be something in the world that you don't truly feel inside? As a kid I really struggled with this because I spent as much time with my best friend and her family as I did with my own, which resulted in a fractured personality. With my nuclear family I acted the way I felt I was expected to with them, and with my best friend's family I did the same, but the lives couldn't bleed into each other because they were radically different. Most of my teen years and into my mid-twenties I felt like I had one leg in each camp and the distance kept widening. It's hard to stand on firm ground when you are essentially doing the splits, not to mention quite literally painful.

In my late twenties I went through some intensive counseling and worked most of this out. I began to realize that I didn't know who I really was; I had been acting for most of my life. The process of self discovery was a difficult one, but to date the best thing I've ever done for myself. Then the hard part came in living congruently with ALL people in my life; resisting the urge to go back to pretending in order not to lose the approval of people I deeply respected and cared about. There were many bumps and detours on this road to congruency, but pushing through and coming out the other side to discover I still had all my important relationships intact, and most importantly, I had myself - fully, truly, in all its complexities, mistakes and beauty.

I find that as I get older I have very little tolerance for people who are faking it. After a little while it becomes easy to spot. A person acts a certain way in one group, and completely differently in another. I wonder if they struggle within themselves the way I did for all those years. I want to tell them that it's not worth the fight. It's so much easier to live congruently, authentically, because you don't have to work so hard to fit in. You are yourself, and you are either accepted as such or you aren't, but you don't have to remember how to act in any given situation. You just be you with all your frailties and strengths intact. No pretending to be something you're not. The freedom is extraordinary.

More than anything I want to model this for my children. I will encourage them always to pursue their own identity with intensity. If they feel angry, they should be angry. That's okay. If they are confused, admit to it and work through it. Pretending will not help them build character. Mistakes will do that. So will standing up for themselves when it's not popular. Making a decision on their own and then experiencing the consequences will develop their individuality and give them the confidence to stand behind it and protect who they are. I'm going to watch for new ways to encourage congruence in my kids, to help them learn that who they are is always enough, and that authenticity and genuineness will be the best compass to guide them through life.

Paying Attention

I'm on day 5 of my daily blogging experiment, and I have been thoroughly enjoying the process. Knowing I'm going to write about something each morning has caused me to sit up and pay attention to my life in a way I didn't before. I'm more aware of my feelings in any given moment; someone will say something and I'll perk up my ears like a dog to listen, not only to the words but to the subtext.

Last night I heard my 6 year old in her bedroom, looking through books and talking to her students as she does every night (she sits on the edge of her bed with a book open, reading to a nonexistant crowd on the floor), but I stopped outside of her door to listen for a moment. She chattered on about the various pictures, describing the grass and the house and the animals. At one point, I heard her say, "These boys are twins. They are Todd and Mike and they like ice cream." I was struck by a memory of myself as a kid, looking through my mom's Good Housekeeping magazine and assigning names, personalities and friends to all of the pictures of the kids I found. The power of imagination never fails to stir and impress me, and it's fun to see your kids developing their own vivid creative abilities.

I heard great news from the library yesterday: the creative writing class I'm teaching in February is now full. FULL. 10 people want to come and challenge themselves to write on a more regular basis. There is even one person on the waiting list! The process of planning for this class has provided so much satisfaction for me. It's like reaching out my fingers and grazing the edges of my dreams. It seems real, true, possible. I feel like everything I've ever done in life up to this point has been leading me here: to write, teach, speak and inch toward writing as an occupation, not a hobby.

My husband is back in town, it's Thursday and there is new TV on tonight (yes, I'm that nerdy, my favourite thing is being in my jammies at 7 pm on Thursdays when the kids are in bed, sitting on the couch with popcorn, licorice and Henry Weinhardt bottled rootbeer from the US, watching Community, The Office, 30 Rock, Grey's & Survivor) and life feels pretty damn good. Having some of you follow this blog, just knowing you are reading, commenting and sharing in my writing experience means so very much to me. Thank you doesn't begin to cover it, but there are only so many ways to express what is in your heart, and today, for me, it's gratitude.

Community Pride

Last night we bundled up and went outside to watch the Olympic torch make a stop in our tiny Alberta town on its way to Vancouver for the 2010 Olympic games. I'm generally too cynical to be termed patriotic, but there was a real excitement in the air as we all waited eagerly for the convoy of buses to arrive with the designated runner bearing the torch. My mom made the 25 minute drive for the festivities, and brought my teenage nieces, who kindly entertained my young kids until the torch arrived.

We got our free hot dogs and cokes from our beloved town Grocer, and as I munched I looked around and saw many familiar faces in the crowd. We've lived here for just over 3 years, and I realized last night that it's no small thing to feel as though you belong somewhere. That is a hard-won privilege. The first 18 months of living in this town was like an uphill hike where there's simply not enough oxygen to go around. Everyone was friendly but not my friend. I had to push hard to turn acquaintances into buddies. But last night I looked around the sea of faces and found more I genuinely knew than ones I didn't. Like anything, I saw people I love, those I like, some I tolerate and a few I cross the street to avoid, but I felt warm and happy in the minus 2 temperatures because these have become my people. I fit, I belong, I matter to this community and they matter to me, and that is a commodity which cannot be bought or sold; its value is beyond estimation.

When the buses came and the runner suddenly appeared, sprinting down the street in the shiny white Olympic track suit, I found myself ridiculously excited, like a child who experiences emotion in the body instead of the mind. The runner came to the small stage area in front of our Community Hall, and as the next torch was lit for a new runner, the crowd began to sing Oh Canada. No microphones. No organized structure. Just singing from the heart, the sort of pure patriotism that cannot be mandated, but when experienced by a group, creates its own joyful power that surges through like a current, binding everyone together. It was extraordinary.

I'm so thrilled my kids got to be part of such a stirring community event. Before last night, I was frustrated that the winter Olympics were going to interrupt my February TV schedule. Now I want to cheer on my country, to let my pride at being Canadian spill over out of me and carry us to victory. I am beyond grateful to live in my town, among such great friends, and to live in a free and beautiful nation, at this exact moment in history.(Thanks to Eryn for the great pics that I lifted from FB as I didn't upload mine yet! :)

Long Shadows

My 3 year old son William said in the van yesterday, "I want to be Daddy when I grow up." I laughed and explained that he can be like Daddy, but he will be William, his own person, for his entire life. When I tucked the kids into bed last night and had a couple of hours of silence in the house, I began thinking about the long shadows we cast as parents on our children's lives. They look to us as the example they will model their adult lives after. It's easy in the bustle and flow of everyday life to miss this huge truth - my choices influence and affect their every choice. No pressure there.

The good news is that our example is cumulative over their lifetime. Every single day I will do something (and I'll be grateful if it's just one thing) negative that I don't want them to follow. I'll yell, "What are you doing, moron?!" in the car, I'll talk about someone behind their back, I'll say, "What is wrong with you?" when William gets frustrated and knocks over his sister's elaborate Polly Pocket village. It's inevitable, but I can continue to work on these mistakes, and hopefully, one day before I die, improve on the amount and the frequency of them.

Overall, I think my kids are doing well. They see us as parents in all of our strengths and weaknesses, and living honestly is one of the best ways I know to combat the nasty side of our human natures. At the very minimum, Jason and I work hard to live peacefully with each other. I don't want my kids going to sleep with a pillow over their heads to block out the yelling parent voices like I did. Peace and honesty are two of our best parenting methods. Time will tell if they are working or not.

A good friend's husband lost his job yesterday. I was shocked and sad for them, and called to find out how they are doing, as they have a number of sweet kids to support. The positive attitude both of them had was very inspiring to me. They reiterated that God is in control of their lives; it's so easy to say that when things are going well but when it really counts it means even more and they are clinging to it as their light to follow in a dark and uncertain time. Their kids are looking to them to see how to react when something scary happens to you, and the lesson they are learning from watching their parents will likely go deep and give the kids the skills they need to face uncertainty in their own lives. Good parenting inspires me to dig deeper and be more aware of the footprint I am leaving for my kids to step into.

We had a good day yesterday. After school we went to the library (8 people signed up for the creative writing course....2 more and it's FULL.....whoop whoop!) and then I took the kids to Boston Pizza for a fun dinner out, made even more fun by using the Christmas gift card from Uncle Dan & Auntie Kristen (thanks, guys!). I enjoyed just talking to the kids and felt their excitement about eating out on a Monday night, which is unusual indeed. And I slept all night with no concern for little noises, another wonderful thing. Thanks for reading, friends. I appreciate you.

On My Own

Jason is going away today for 3 days for work. I have mixed emotions when I am on my own. I usually panic initially about not having the cavalry come home around 5:30 pm and help corral the kids into bath and bed, I worry incessantly about pipes bursting or abject mechanical failure that I'll have to somehow manage, and of course every small noise in the night causes a mild coronary. The good side involves no cooking, sole possession of the remote control (or the possibility that I'll write or read in the evening instead of watching TV), and a change of pace that can be refreshing for a few days.

As I watched the Golden Globes last night (I'm a complete awards show junkie when it comes to movies & TV) I started thinking about our celebrity-worshipping culture, and how ridiculous it is to treat celebrities as if they are different somehow from everyone else. No wonder they are so messed up as people. To be adored or detested by people you've never met is a strange phenomenon; what does it say about our North American culture that we set celebrities up to fail, and then rush to feed on them when it happens (Tiger Woods, for a very recent example). When I was a kid I dreamed of being an actress, accepting an Oscar and making my speech, and when I watched the Globes last night I felt grateful for the first time that that particular dream did not come true.

Here goes day 1 of my husbandless adventure. Here's hoping it's a good day and that everything in the house and van work like they're supposed to and the night is quiet for sleeping with no anxiety-related heart palpatations.

Daily Discipline

I watched Julie & Julia last night, and it inspired me to start writing consistently in my blog. As you can see, I have 2 posts from September, and then completely dead air for the last 3 1/2 months. I am making a commitment to write something here every day until the end of February as part of the daily discipline of getting words on paper (or on the computer, which counts too, right?!).

Since November 08, I've been disciplined about working on my screenplay, writing a minimum of 3 pages per day, and I'm amazed at how much better I feel when I'm writing every day. With 2 small kids and a husband to feed and take care of, plus a part-time job, a home business, a university course on the weekend, volunteering at my daughter's school and my son's preschool and serving on the steering committee for a local mom's group, life is full, satisfying and busy. Squeezing in time for writing is challenging, but I came to realize it was essential for my mental health and well being. 3 pages per day seemed like a modest goal, but on the good days it was only a starting point, and on the bad days it felt like the worst form of torture but I still sat down and did my best to complete those pages.

A year and 2 months later, I am on draft 4 of that screenplay and have it out in the world to be read, an equally thrilling and stressful proposition. I'm at work on my newest script, a comedy this time, and the process of writing feels marginally easier this time around. I've also been asked to teach a creative writing class for adults at our local library this February, and I'm over the moon with excitement. Every day I have to resist the urge to call the library and see how many people are on the list, but with the class half full I know it's going to run and I can hardly wait for it to start. Finally it feels like a dream I can almost reach out and touch, this dream of writing consistently, getting it out there in the world, and with any luck finding out that it means something to people.

I invite you to come along on this journey as I blog each day for the next 6 weeks. I can't promise every post will be riveting, but I'll do my best to dig deep and write honestly about life. My hope is that we'll all be better for sharing in this journey, realizing that we are not alone, and can in fact learn a great deal from the daily struggles, laughter and frustration that are common to everyone.